Sunday, December 28, 2014

four words - an exercise using four words in one line

four words exercise:

2012 December 28 10:50pm

love in full view
crying when it hurts
smiling when it doesn't
questions come from past
hope flings hearts open
quiet stillness rests within
do I have questions
questions for the now
deep heart, healed completely
only from His hand
fully healed and reaching
heart held open - breathing
resting in the safety
resting in the joy
resting in the happy
resting with my love

mutating missionary
with HoneyB and ebenezer

Changing with confidence stems from a changeless core

Me,  Freiburg, Germany, 2014 - KFC glory

2014 is drawing to a close.

2013 around this time: I was anticipating a 3 week Silent Retreat - seeking some clarity on my next steps.

I got clarity minus the silence in 2014. LOL!

Last year also entered me into the word LOVED. Oh my, I have been loved. The year has been rolling with disappointments, re-calibrations, and pitfalls. But, LOVE has shown up and He has been here.

I thought I would be working for an organization on the east coast, flying back and forth between USA and Germany, continuing the relationships and mentoring in Germany and possibly adding other German or English Speaking countries. That all fell through.

I find myself on the east coast, investing in writing, and getting to know HoneyB in the same time zone.

A new development in my health throws me off a little. I have a disease: Spasmodic Dysphonia. I discovered this after several years of doctors probing other options. I've had a cough for years. Finally, a doctor here in Maryland listened to me and sent me to an ENT. The specialist took one look into my larynx with a long tube-like scope and took pictures. He asked me to say my vowels. This feat is not easy to accomplish with a tube-like-thing sticking down your nostrils, into the back of your throat, and down into your neck! After looking at the results, he pronounced me with this vocal disease. He prescribed resting my voice for a minimum of 6 months, more realistically 12. He recommended relaxation techniques first and then possible Botox shots later... we'll see about that?

The plans to open a new website, continue writing purposefully, find a part-time job as I re-enculturated into the USA after living 9 years in Germany, changed with this diagnosis. I don't know exactly what the changes entail at this moment.

And what do I know?
 “People can’t live with change if there’s not a changeless core inside them. The key to the ability to change is a changeless source of who you are, what you are about and what you value” Seven habits of Highly Effective People

your mutating missionary
with HoneyB and Ebenezer

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Donations accepted

Because He IS the I AM, i am,

robyn rochelle eubanks

Saturday, September 6, 2014

ABBA - daddy

September 6, 2014

“The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to son-ship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” Romans 8:15

 “Because you are his sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, “Abba, Father.” Galatians 4:6

Daddy memories are some of the most tender thoughts and memories I have. I had a great dad. He was brilliant, light and breezy, and yet hard as nails. He worked hard as an engineer providing for his family of wife and four girls. He was a ‘good’ man as men go. Never killed anyone, wasn’t keen on getting drunk,  and believed in eating healthy. He was a bit of an enigma. His roots were from back woods east Texas and yet he operated in the upper business life of professionals. He was Daddy.

He died at age 54 as the project-managing engineer over the largest natural gas refinery in the world – it is still the largest natural gas refinery in the world. He was an extraordinary man. He left my mom well off and safe of worries financially. But he left.

He was good at leaving. He was such an overwhelming figure that until these later years, I never realized how absent he really was. He left due to his job, but unfortunately, he left in other ways as well. He left my mom in ways that still hurt.

I remember coming home one day after his death, driving down the long spiral driveway to my parent’s home and my mother outside sweeping the fine East Texas dust/sand away from the drainage grids that held back the leaves from the water well. She was so angry that he was gone, had left, had truly ‘abandoned’ her and escaped from life – leaving her behind, once again.

He was gone this time forever.

Daddy – a great figure in my life. But he failed us in so many ways.

And as I roll through this thought I return to the powerful remembrance. ABBA.
Never-failing, ever-present, all-knowing, all-powerful, all-gracious, forever-loving ABBA.
Abba - Daddy in heaven, and yet present with me.

This remembrance is sometimes hard to retrieve because of the experience I knew with my own Daddy.

However, this Father/Daddy so loves He never removes Himself. His love brings us what we need and also often what we want. But in His wisdom He gives in abundance for our good. I never need worry about tomorrow’s food, clothing, shelter. And He is already going before me to prepare ways that I can and will be successful for Him. For HIS glory.

He doesn’t want me to fail, or to be hindered. It is a poor reflection on His goodness. So, I am thankful that I had an extraordinary Daddy in so many ways. But none more than because He prepared me to be able to see the Daddy in Heaven as a Daddy that desires to give me good gifts and to share life with me. He is better than my earthly daddy who loved but failed.

He is Almighty Daddy, loving little-tiny-just-me.

Remember this:
Our precious Jesus cried out to a Daddy that can choose to do the impossible. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He can do the IMPOSSIBLE. And He adopted us. Made us HIS own.

In surrendering to Him, He is able to do all things through me. And as I learn how to walk into His Daddy arms I know that He will bring all about for Good. May I be a Jesus Follower in my relationship to my Heavenly Daddy. Not what I will, but what You will.

--> “Abba, Father,” he said, “everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will.” Mark 14:36

Because He IS the I AM, i am,
Your mutating missionary
With HoneyB and ebenezer

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Immediacy! God moves in His timing.


Do you find this to be as true as I?
God tends to put us in two situations where timing is concerned: 1. Wait  2. Immediately.

I have been in a waiting stage for over a year. Sensing that God was doing something that I had not expected, I have been waiting. Albeit, I have not been patient in the waiting. I have cried, questioned, been frustrated, asked WHY? HOW? WHAT? repeatedly. But I have not received but tiny glimpses I was on the right track.

Things were happening more to me than my moving into any decisions. Yes, I had to make daily decisions, that is not what I am talking about. Things, big things have been happening in my world - and trust me I have not been an influence, these things have influenced me :/

For example.
  1. God impressing I am not to be in ministry alone - January 2014.
  2. My daughter having an unexpected premature delivery 4 1/2 months early. Our newest miracle was born into the world - January 2014. 
  3. Knee surgery was postponed in October 2013 due to pneumonia and not able to be performed until end of February 2014
  4. Financial questions beginning in March  2014.
  5. Rejection from possibility of ministry in an area I thought God was leading me into - end of June 2014.
  6. Reassessment of end goals in present ministry due to God confirming I am not to be alone in ministry - end of June 2014.
These outside influences have created much unrest in my spirit. I have been on a continual tide of 'Speak God' and He has chosen to whisper - sporadically. Until now.

Now, in this moment I am in flash-flood mode. There is an immediacy that He has placed in my life and I find myself overcome by all that must be done in a short period of time.

I simply am incapable of doing it all and I fall often in a heap and say: WoW God! You have been in whisper mode for this and now you are Blowing the Trumpets! I desire to run, but seem to fall and skin my knee on all that you have for me to do.

As I find myself in this situation I hearken back to the reality that He is in control of it all and desires for me to rest in Him as He alone can do the impossible. Through Him I see that these tasks and needs can be met. But only through Him. Only by leaning into the God who SEES, may I take the next steps.

Jesus too found himself in moments of immediacy.

The Gospel of Mark reminds me of Jesus' beginnings:
Mark chapter one reminds me of these immediacies: 
  1. And immediately coming up out of the water, He saw the heavens opening, and the Spirit like a dove descending upon Him; and a voice came out of the heavens: "Thou are My Beloved Son, in You I am well-pleased."  
  2. Immediately the Spirit impelled Him to go out into the wilderness.
  3. And they immediately left the nets and followed Him
  4. And they went into Capernaum; and immediately on the Sabbath He entered the synagogue and began to teach
  5. And immediately the news about Him went out everywhere into all the surrounding district of Galilee
  6. And immediately after they had come out of the synagogue, they came into the house of Simon and Andrew, with James and John.
  7. Now Simon's mother-in-law was lying sick with a fever; and immediately they spoke to Him about her.
  8. And moved with compassion, He stretched out His hand and touched him, and said to him, "I am willing; be cleansed." And immediately the leprosy left him and he was cleansed.
  9. And He sternly warned him and immediately sent him away... 
Nine times in one chapter - immediately is used.

And yet, Jesus does not  hurry, He does not fret, He seeks time to get alone with His Father and He takes one step at a time.

Waiting is for a moment in God's time. IMMEDIATELY is light-speed! And I am so thankful that He expects me only to seek and find Him in the light-speed - find Him, hold His hand, and take the next step.

So, here we go :-)

Because He IS the I AM, i am
your mutating missionary
with HoneyB and ebenezer

Monday, February 17, 2014

Who will separate us from the love of Christ?

Romans 8:35-39

New American Standard Bible (NASB)
"35 Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? 36 Just as it is written,
For Your sake we are being put to death all day long;
We were considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”
37 But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

I leave in a few minutes to drive to the local University Hospital. I sign up for a surgery that will take place in one week. My fears are real and are huge in this moment of trial. And yet when I take them to the Lord in quiet - when I cease the struggle and collect myself long enough to place my mind on Him (where it always belongs) I find His PEACE.

I find that these last few months have been set up for me to land right into His arms. He has "hemmed me in" as they say.

And in the hemming, I have been attacked: mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally.

But this I know:

1. Nothing can separate me from Him, nor Him from me.
2. And In HIM the conquering comes - why? Because I am loved by the God who IS. The great and powerful and amazing God. He who shelters me and comforts me and reaches down and handpicks me to be His daughter. This broken, sometimes overly fearful woman - weak and weary of the ways of the world.

I stand on His promises to me - not on mine to Him. I can only try - He succeeds. I attempt, He completes. I lose, He wins. I am lost, He is the finder of the lost, the keeper of the weak, the ruler of the wild.

And I fall once again into His arms, sit in His lap, and snuggle into His broadness. He alone. He alone can and will and does.

Because He IS the I AM,
i am
your mutating missionary
with HoneyB and ebenezer

Monday, February 10, 2014

God sees and nothing surprises Him

February 10, 2014
Returned to Germany a few days ago.
Where was I?
left suddenly in January
For Whom?
my daughter got in touch with me after I had entered a Silent Retreat to seek God in silence.

It was an emergency. She requested help. She had begun having problems with the pregnancy of my 3rd grandchild. She needed help to try and stay down long enough to get Baby to stay in womb and then deliver Baby here healthy and at least a little further along than 23 weeks gestation...

I came out of silence. I rushed around preparing for an overseas travel within a few days. I flew out four days after she requested help. I arrived a few hours after impatient Grandbaby #3 decided he didn't want to wait.

God has taught me many lessons in this last month. He has spoken to me through circumstances before, and I love when He guides moment by moment. Sometimes in the deepest of silence, sometimes in the mad rush of activity.

I am reminded of His own walk on this earth. Sometimes He set out for desert-silent-solitude and sometimes He joined the party. Sometimes He walked and taught, sometimes He kicked and screamed. But He never removed Himself from the Father. He heard from the Father every moment of every day. He listened and stayed in tune to what the Father wanted Him to do.

I want to be like that. Either in a planned silent retreat that is interrupted because of emergency needs of others, or in the exhaustion of jet-lag from an extended trip.  I want to hear HIM, be in HIM, and live in HIM. As Jesus did and does.

I love that He speaks through situations, through action, as well as silence. He is such an exciting and wonder filled God.  And He has lead me into some newness this last month.

His ways are not our ways. He is showing me that I am in His plan, not my own. But ohhhh what a glorious plan to be in.

BabyR is alive and after two surgeries doing better every day. We rejoice in the Great God who IS! He has shown mercy on us.

His showers of blessing abound.

your mutating missionary
with HoneyB and ebenezer

Monday, January 6, 2014

I don't ever want to be without God, without intimacy with Him. A new year's commitment:

Christian's intending to live the long hard haul of the Christian life get beat up, knocked down, and sometimes find themselves holding on to scraps of historical  relationship with God. They might know they are a Christian, but the fire is gone.

We know relationship happened, that God came in and strongly supported us, but we need a remembrance session.

Sometimes we can laugh at the turn of events and sometimes the turn of events are enough to send us home asking lots of questions.

I've known many Christians in later years become jaded and discouraged to the point of walking away from all that is called God. I've known pastors (unfortunately not one but several) that have blown up churches in their confusion and discouragement.

Being aware that this can happen, that none of us is immune to the possibility, I desire to end every year with a few 'stones of remembrances'.  (Joshua 4:20-22)

During Christmas time this year I pulled away for a few hours to get alone with Him and listen to what He was calling me to in this new year. Two of the most powerful nudges I received were:

  1. *I need a silent retreat. I have committed to silence over the years every time I have had big things happening in my life. Well, I'm here again. I need total silence for days, not hours to hear Him. I have committed to spending 14 days in total silence beginning this Tuesday, January 7th at 7:00 pm. I will unplug from internet, turn the phone off, and the biggest temptation will be to talk to Ebenezer (I covet not to do even that - because there is just something powerful about choosing NOT to speak.) say what you want about it being weird, archaic, or mystic. I have done it and found it powerfully rewarding. I need to do it again. 
  2. Memorize my 'stones of remembrance' and my promises. (Joshua 4:5-22)  Over the years,  through hard times, God has given me certain scriptures that have been words that soothed my soul and gave me a promise that He was there. These have been underlined, highlighted, starred, and/or dated in my bible. *This year I commit to memorizing one of the promises that God has given me over the years every month. The month of January begins.

Here is my first 'stone of remembrance' for 2013:


Psalm 91

Those who live in the shelter of the Most High
    will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
This I declare about the Lord:
He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;
    he is my God, and I trust him.
For he will rescue you from every trap
    and protect you from deadly disease.
He will cover you with his feathers.
    He will shelter you with his wings.
    His faithful promises are your armor and protection.

I am excited about this new year of 2014! I look forward to intimate relationship with Him in ways I have never known. Looking forward to His loved days and months and years.

Your mutating missionary
with HoneyB and Ebenezer